--My cat does not barf hairballs,

   he is a floor / rug redecorator

--My cat does not break things,

  she helps gravity do its job.  

--My cat does not fear dogs,

  they are merely sprint practice tools.

--My cat does not gobble,

  she eats with alacrity.  

--My cat does not scratch,

   he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

--My cat does not yowl,

   he is singing off-key.  

--My cat is not a "shedding machine",

  she is a hair relocation stylist.

--My cat is not a treat-seeking missile,

   she enjoys the proximity of food.

--My cat is not a bed hog,

   he is a mattress appreciator.

--My cat is not a chatterbox,

   she is advising me on what to do next. 

--My cat is not a dope addict,

   she is catnip appreciative.

--My cat is not a lap fungus,

   he is bed selective.

--My cat is not a pest,

   she is attention deprived

--My cat is not a ruthless hunter,

   she is a wildlife control expert.

--My cat is not evil,

   she is badness enhanced.

--My cat is not fat,

   he is mass enhanced.

--My cat is not hydrophobic,

   she has an inability to appreciate

   moisture.

--My cat is not lazy,

   he is motivationally challenged.

--My cat is not underfoot,

   she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).