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~ Rules For Cats To Live By ~ |
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BATHROOMS:
Always
accompany guests to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do anything. Just
sit there and stare. DOORS: Do
not allow any closed doors in any room.
To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain,
snow, or mosquito season. CHAIRS
AND RUGS: If
you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long as a human's bare foot. HAMPERING: If
one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle,
stay with the busy one. This
is called "helping," otherwise known as "Hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:" 1)
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2)
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself, which is always
preferred by the reader. 3)
For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work as possible.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil
or pen. 4)
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. Humans
love to jump. 5)
For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards,
keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First,
sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and
erasers off the table, one at a time. 6)
When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress. WALKING: As
often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in
the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their coordination skills. BEDTIME: Always
sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move. LITTER
BOX: When
using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as
possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. HIDING: Every
now and then, hide in a place where the human cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking
that you have run away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and
kisses and you will probably get a treat. ONE
LAST THOUGHT: Whenever
possible, get close to a human, especially their faces, turn around, and
present your butt to them. Humans
love this, so do it often. And
don't forget guests. You Know They Love You! |